TOP FIVE THINGS I HATE TODAY

5) Waking up at the crack of 1:51PM EST.

4) Having to make my own goddamned coffee.

3) Getting shot by scrub machine gunners in MAG.

2) Sitting on my balls.

1) Top five lists. OH HOW IRONIC. (Right, Alanis? Am I doing it right?)

HAHAHA FLOWING LIKE WINE

I WISH THERE WAS A SMALL MAGICAL PORTAL IN MY BLADDER SO I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO PEE BECAUSE MY PEE WOULD BE MAGICALLY TRANSPORTED INTO THE BLADDER OF THE NEAREST WOMAN, WITH WHICH SHE WOULD THEN HAVE TO DEAL.

AND ALSO I COULD PICK WHERE I WANTED MY PEE TO GO SO I COULD CHOOSE LIKE A BABY'S DIAPER BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN SOMEONE'S BABY WOULD BE PISSING LIKE AN ADULT OUT OF NOWHERE AND THE PARENTS WOULD BE LIKE WTF THIS KID CAN PISS!

OR ALSO I WOULD MAKE MY BLADDER PORTAL EMPTY INTO SOMEONE'S HEAD IF IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO KILL THAT PERSON BY PRESSURIZING THEIR SKULLS WITH BRAIN-BATHING URINE.

OR OPEN A PORTAL INTO HIS HEART AND THEN HIS CIRCULATORY SYSTEM WOULD BE MY PERSONAL TOILET.

BUT ONLY IF ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

LIKE I MIGHT DO THAT TO HITLER OR RYAN SEACREST OR ANYONE FROM PUDDLE OF MUDD OR COLLECTIVE SOUL.

I WOULD DEFINITELY DO IT TO COLLECTIVE SOUL NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.

THOSE FUCKERS WOULD BE IN SOME SERIOUS TROUBLE COURTESY OF THE VENTRILOPISSED.

GET IT.

IT'S LIKE A VENTRILOQUIST BUT INSTEAD OF THROWING MY VOICE I WOULD BE THROWING MY HOT GOLDEN PISS.

JUST YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.

AND STAY ON MY GOOD SIDE.

BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.

dear god

hey man would you pass a message to michael jackson for me man


if ur not playin n-e-more can i hav ur stuff

man what

so what if i parked by the fire hydrant

you should be more concerend tyhjat i am fusking piss druskn okay ??

it burns when i peew because VODDKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I Ain't Even Tip

man so like i went out for lunch man and decided you know it is hot outside and i felt like sitting down for a little while in some air conditioning you know and man this total bitch of a waitress totally glared at me while i was paying for the meal because i didn't leave her a tip i mean wtf? she only refilled my coke four times and took like a whole minute to bring me the complimentary chips and salsa

bitch lucky she didn't catch karate skills across the chops am i right?

Peeing in the Pool

So like I heard somewhere that one in five adults admits to peeing in the pool.

So like I am that guy.

So like you pussies need to step up and stop pretending you aren't peeing in the pool, too.

I will kick your asses.

Take that to the BANK and DEPOSIT IT in a SAVINGS ACCOUNT because that is FOR REAL.

KNUCKLES, BITCHES!

Talking on Cellular Phones During Movies

man big whoop i do this all the time wanna fight about it?